I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
