when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Randomize
