So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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