You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
