Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
