Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
