My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
