You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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