Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
