MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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