you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
