***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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