I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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