The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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