Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
