Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
