okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
