No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
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I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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