Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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