So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
