after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
