I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
