i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
