My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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