My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
