wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
