Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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