That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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