So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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