I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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