I met the friendliest cop last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
