Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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