omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
