K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We left the knife in your bed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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