A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
