He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
