I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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