I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.