Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
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Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats