A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
