apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
