What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
