I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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