Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
