I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
