I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
