So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
