yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
