its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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