when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
