You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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