I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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