Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
