Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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