Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
