My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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