It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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