god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
kristin has been a bad kristin
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
