It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
