MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
